Holiday Gift Guide 2013: NSA Paranoia Edition

As you may have read yesterday, a federal judge said that the NSA’s surveillance tactics—specifically the ones involving collecting people’s phone metadata—would probably be considered unconstitutional. But even with that ruling, it’ll be a long time before anything much changes in the United States Government. And with the holidays upon us, we figured we’d tailor a gift-giving guide for those of you who know someone (meaning everyone) who might be worried that the NSA is spying on them.

Just don’t forget—buy everything in cash (preferably unmarked bills), lest the government’s agents track you down and arrest you for your attempts to get off the grid this Christmas.

Subscription to DeleteMe

Using the web these days is all about sharing your information with others, getting connected, and creating a digital identity of sorts. But now that we know that the government is compiling secret dossiers on everything we do and say, maybe you might want to rethink that way of life. That’s where DeleteMe comes in, a subscription-based service that will scrub any and all traces of your digital footprints from the Internet. A year’s worth of service—which includes the attention of a DeleteMe adviser and privacy reports delivered to you every three months—will set you back $129, while the price goes down a bit if you subscribe for two years. But is there really too high price to pay for privacy?

Meanwhile, if that’s not enough, there’s a handy repository of all the ways to get your data off of various websites and services right here. Between those two, you should be able to disappear from the web in no time.

Burner Phone

There are lots of options here—you can walk into just about any store anywhere and drop a few bills (REMEMBER, CASH ONLY) for a prepaid wireless phone. A prepaid cell phone would make a great stocking stuffer—just don’t feel bad when the recipient of your generosity throws it out when the feds catch on.

Voice Changer

Even after you get a burner phone, it might not be enough to keep the government’s agents off your back. That’s why you should make sure that any recordings they do collect are inadmissible in a court of law. Get a voice changer! After all, no one’s going to believe that it’s actually you on the phone when all they hear is Darth Vader, amirite?

Cans and Twine

This is pretty self-explanatory. In the event that going to the aforementioned lengths just aren’t enough, there’s a tried and true method for avoiding surveillance. And that’s talking into a can with a string attached. Foolproof.

The Last Resort

Taking a sledgehammer to your computer is probably the best way to keep the NSA from looking at your vacation pictures. Don’t let them win.